My doctors think I'm crazy, but I think they're inhuman.

I never thought I'd actually want my medical tests to come back abnormal, but that's what I find myself wishing for. I want something that my doctors will take seriously, because my word about my symptoms isn't good enough for them. Doctors won't treat what they won't diagnose.

I had a nerve conduction test last month that I thought would finally put some of their doubts at bay. The neurologist said the results came back normal. Upon looking at the results myself, I realized that they didn't even test for myasthenia. Ugh. I knew there was something wrong when the doctor performing the test said he was done after less than half an hour. I was told it would be a two hour test. And I thought the whole purpose of the test was to check for myasthenia, but apparently not. And the faint smirk he had on his face as I limped out of the room with my walker. It was the same look other doctors give me before they tell me I just "need to exercise", or "go out and live my life", and to stop being in the "role of being sick".

I also had to postpone my lip biopsy because that doctor wants $485 up front. There's no way I can afford that.

I did email my neurologist and request a blood test. I am so praying that those results come back abnormal. :/

I really had no idea that the healthcare system was like this. Since starting this journey, I have heard countless stories on my internet support groups about people being told that their symptoms are psychological by their doctors and being refused treatment. There are so many of these stories that I believe this attitude of health providers is the rule rather than the exception, when faced with a patient experiencing symptoms of certain autoimmune, autonomic, or rare diseases.

I genuinely thought I'd be better by now. And as crappy as I feel everyday, I sometimes think that navigating the healthcare system is the worst part of being sick. My self-esteem suffers a little every time I go to the doctor.